Oh How I Dream... and Wait

I am physically here, but my mind and heart are so far away. Where are they? Maybe somewhere like this.

Or even better like this...

I dream of the country. I dream of buying a farm. I dream of working at home with my husband, either farming or some other occupation that we could do at home together. I dream of picking fresh fruits and veggies and making meals from scratch with ingredients picked only minutes before. I dream of having more children and homeschooling them. I dream of living a life full of peace, without the distraction of this hustle and bustle life we are currently living. I dream of us being a family that lives, works and prays together in the beauty and comfort of our own home. I dream of looking outside my window and seeing sights like these...

I want a red barn something like this.

and a road that leads to my home that looks like this.

 

Hopes of my peaceful existence on a farm permeate my mind almost constantly now. The reality is my husband and I don't really have the money to move out of state and purchase a farm. We don't really know the first thing about farming. We don't know how to milk a cow or raise chickens. Yet someway, somehow, I believe it's possible that one day this dream will become a reality. I have no idea how this would come about. All I know is that if it is God's will, He will make it happen and it will be an absolute miracle.

I've been looking at farm land for sale in various states. I've looked up what kind of weather they have in those states. I've read about other "homesteaders" and how they are making their dreams come true. I've begun reading this amazing blog about the "Catholic Homesteading Movement" - as he calls it - and it absolutely fascinates me how God is calling others to this life. I've read blogs in which some very resourceful people have actually built their own houses with the own hands. (I must admit I don't think we could ever do something like that, but God bless those that do) I've read about maple syrup trees and raising chickens. I've read about small farms and how they survive. Some small farmers have some very innovative ideas. My days are consumed with studying all there is to learn about such an endeavor.

We have begun to do the small things that we can do while still living in the city. My husband and I have planted some vegetables in our very small back yard. We rent the 2nd floor in a two family house. Last year, our neighbors downstairs actually gave us half of the planting area so we could plant some tomatos. This year I don't think they are planting anything. Today we will confirm that with them and if it's true, we will ask if we can use the rest of the space and plant some more. It's such a mess because the weeds have grown like crazy and the landlord has dumped all of his grass clippings there. It sounds insane, but the fact that it's so messy excites me more. I want some hard labor out in the sun. I want to at least pretend I am on my farm. We've already had the joy of eating salad with fresh lettuce grown by our own hands.

A few months back, I began cooking from scratch. I never thought that was for me, but it seems it is. I enjoy it and I'm actually pretty good at it. This weekend, I plan to bake some homemade bread. I've been saying this forever, but never have enough time. This weekend, I've put a whole day aside to bake bread and make a chocolate cheesecake. (Not too healthy, but we must treat ourselves every now and then)

My husband and I would also like to learn some carpentry skills, so I've emailed Habitat for Humanity to see if we could volunteer. I'm sure some of those skills would come in handy when living on our farm.

These are the little steps I've taken to begin this life that I pray we are called to. I asked God that if this life isn't for us, to please remove this desire from our hearts. The desire has increased. The more I search online, the more I see that we aren't the only ones who God seems to be calling to this way of life. This encourages me and leads me to believe that through this "homesteading movement", God is working to restore families and bring them closer to Himself. God is leading families to holiness and unity. It is His counterattack to the breakdown of the family that has been occuring for who knows how long.

This morning I offered my Mass in honor of the Blessed Virgin Mary, St. Joseph and John Paul II. I ask for them to intercede for us about this strong desire. Our Blessed Mother was home raising her Son and no doubt taught him so much about God and family. St. Joseph worked at home as a carpenter and as soon as Jesus was old enough, he must've taken him to his workshop and passed on these skills to his little apprentice. John Paul II knew so much about God's plan for marriage and family. He also knew the struggles modern day families face. I think I have a pretty powerful group of intercessors praying on my behalf.

So now, I pray... I learn.... I pray some more..... and I wait.

My people perish for lack of knowledge

And the word of the LORD came to me, saying, "Son of man, speak to the sons of your people and say to them, 'If I bring a sword upon a land, and the people of the land take one man from among them and make him their watchman, and he sees the sword coming upon the land and blows on the trumpet and warns the people, then he who hears the sound of the trumpet and does not take warning, and a sword comes and takes him away, his blood will be on his own head. 'He heard the sound of the trumpet but did not take warning; his blood will be on himself. But had he taken warning, he would have delivered his life. 'But if the watchman sees the sword coming and does not blow the trumpet and the people are not warned, and a sword comes and takes a person from them, he is taken away in his iniquity; but his blood I will require from the watchman's hand.' "Now as for you, son of man, I have appointed you a watchman for the house of Israel; so you will hear a message from My mouth and give them warning from Me. (Ezekiel 33:1-7)

When the government monetizes the debt (prints money)

which was done in March 2009

Inflation can occur as it did in the Weimar Republic.

When inflation occurs, prices go up

but your dollar is worth less.

In the Weimar Republic, they needed tons of money to purchase food.
Is this where we are headed?

Are we headed for another depression?

In the US, during the Great Depression,

people waited on line for hours for the government to feed them.

They lost their homes.

People did whatever they could to earn income.

Families went hungry.

No one expected that this was coming, so they weren't prepared.

The world is on fire right now. Civil unrest and economic collapse threatens everyone. If you want to see what's coming to the U.S., watch Europe. They are further ahead than we are with socialist programs and big government bailouts. When you have a "nanny state" - (a government that tries to provide everything for its citizens) eventually they run out of money and can't afford everything promised to the people. Universal healthcare is a great concept... in theory only. Next we will be hearing the government talk about universal housing, universal employment and universal food. It will all be called "a right". They will say you have a right to a job, a right to a home, and it is the governments job to provide it for you. But where will the government get all the money to pay for it? Government handouts such as extended unemployment and welfare programs may sound great, but who is going to pay for it? Who will pay for these huge pensions? That's when taxes begin to increase. The government has to get the money from somewhere. When citizens are taxed too much, they don't have money to pay for everyday items. The economy slows down because no one is buying and no one is selling. Companies close down due to lack of sales, lay people off and unemployment skyrockets. We're already at 10%. Eventually the economy comes to a hault. When economic collapse threatens (as it is doing so worldwide) civil unrest begins.

The riots in Greece have already begun.

It's only a matter of time before we see these images taking place in the U.S. 

Europe has been socialist for so long and now we are seeing where this road leads. We are already on our way to collapse with bailouts of companies deemed 'too big to fail'. The passing of healthcare was another nail in the coffin. Our government doesn't seem to understand the concept of fiscal responsibility. They refuse to stop spending. The taxes are coming and if we continue on this road, economic collapse is inevitable. Prepare yourselves for a crash landing. Share with others and prepare them.

As it was in the days of Noah, so will it be in the days of the Son of Man. They ate and drank, they took husbands and wives, right up to the day Noah entered the ark… It was much the same in the days of Lot: they ate and drank, they bought and sold, they built and planted… It will be like that on the day the son of Man is revealed. (Luke 17:26-33)

Prepare yourselves...

Lately God has been speaking with such an intensity and urgency that I feel the need to share with family and friends. I've shared my thoughts with some and surprisingly, not one has said, 'You're losing your mind.' There are events unfolding that will eventually lead to the complete fulfillment of the book of Revelation. The wheels have been set in motion. There are so many people feeling the same 'prophetic' vibe... like something is coming. I'm not God and I'm not saying I KNOW that the END of the world is near. That is something only God knows and we know His timing is much different than ours. What I am saying is that I believe that God is true to His promise, "The Lord GOD does nothing without revealing his plan to his servants, the prophets." (Amos 3:7) And it seems as if He has been speaking to many, calling them, telling them to prepare. Not necessarily for the end... but for something.

Recently the questions were asked, "Why do you think we MIGHT be headed in this direction? So many predictions have been made about these things and we're still here. There have been wars and earthquakes before, so why is now different?" Those are fair questions. Now, like I said, I'm not saying the end of the world is near, but I can without a doubt say that this time is different. Yes, there have always been wars and earthquakes. But can we say that humanity has strayed from God and from His plan in such a way as this? Evil that was done in secret before is now done out in the open. Evil has no reason to hide, because it's so widely accepted. Abortion is mainstream now. So is promiscuity, pornography, homosexuality, the breakdown of the family...  It's all so commonplace nowadays. God is being pushed out and is replaced with whatever our god of choice is. Money has become so many peoples new god. The occult and paganism (the new age movement) is everywhere. So much is tainted with it and if you look with the eyes of the Spirit, you notice that so much of it is geared toward our youth. What the government is doing now is pure evil. If you aren't aware of what is taking place in our country, please educate yourself. And of course, we must look at all of the new evils that have arisen. Embryonic stem cell research, we play God and create a life, to then destroy it. Cloning. Lately the new trend seems to be creating animals with human genes. And now the child created with three parents. If this is not playing God, I don't know what is. So these are the reasons why if we were close to the end, I wouldn't be shocked. I think humanity has reached a level where God Himself must intervene before we destroy ourselves.

Whether we are in the end times or we are just going through another tough period in history, I believe God, someway, somehow, will intervene. It might be a purification of some sort. All I know is He seems to be speaking to many people who all feel that this is the time to prepare.

The message seems to be, "This is the time of mercy. Open your hearts to me. Learn to hear my voice and let my Spirit lead you. Purify yourselves of all wrongdoing. Live as walking tabernacles and temples of my Holy Spirit. Learn to rely on me for everything. It is a time of grace and I ask you to strengthen yourselves and your faith through prayer. Difficult times are coming, but those who walk with Me and trust in Me have nothing to fear." This is just what I feel God has been telling me personally. I have found consolation in His Word, "But now, this is what the LORD says- he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD , your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; (Is. 43:1-3)

Whatever happens, all I know is that Jesus is my Rock, my Stronghold, my Deliverer and I place my trust in Him. In Him alone can we find security. Not security that says you won't go through anything. But security that "we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Rom. 8:28) I believe we will see miracles if we place our trust in Him.

Gardening and Shingles

So my gardening madness has begun. Two days ago I started 3 cilantro plants and 3 basil plants. (from seeds) My living room is a disaster area. I set up a gardening station on my small bistro table by the window. But it's a happy mess. Unlike the other side of the living room along with the dining room and kitchen. A hurricane hit Yonkers on Saturday. (not really but thats what I'm calling it) It blew the shingles off the roof and there was a leak in my kitchen. So I removed all of the food and it's living on my dining room table. I have had all sorts of pots and containers catching the water coming into the kitchen. Then the landlord came over and had to climb to the attic through my closet to put pans up there so it could catch the water before it leaked down to us. So needless to say, all of the stuff in my storage closet had to come out so he could climb up. Who puts an attic entrance inside a closet anyway? Since I know he'll be back to bring down those ginormous pans, I didn't see a point to putting the stuff back into the closet. So it's sitting on what should be the tidy side of the living room. (the unhappy mess)

But back to gardening... I can't wait to get to the backyard and clean away all of the leaves and branches and start tilling the soil. I'm waiting for the soil to dry up completely so I can get to it. I'm off from work tomorrow cuz it's St. Patrick's Day and I was hoping to do it then but I don't know if it will be dry by then. I've never been a person who liked spring and summer. I'm more an autumn kinda girl, but now that I'm gardening, I love this time of year. Tonight I think I'll start 4 tomato plants and 3 lettuce plants. In the middle of August, I'm planting spinach, but that I'm planting directly outside. I won't start them indoors.

It's almost quitting time and I'm completely restless and hungry. I've been looking at the new food network magazine that just arrived and I have about 7 recipes that I want to try. But not tonight. Tonights menu is meat loaf (from stew leonards... not homemade) and some Quinoa (pronounced KEEN-wah) with broccoli and homemade cheese sauce. My husband was eating one of those green giant vegetable thingys that you microwave and it was a rice with cheddar broccoli or something. I want to try my own healthier homemade version so we'll see how that goes.

Going as Organic as I can

So I really like junk food. I have 100 calorie chips and a 60 calorie no sugar added pudding everyday. But I definitely practice self control. I've been watching my calorie intake and I've lost about 8 pounds. The only way I've been able to do it is to have low calorie, low fat snacks so I won't feel so deprived. I never go overboard and have a lot, but I do have them everyday.

Today I clicked on a link about 12 food additives to avoid. It mentioned the effects of these food additives as well as the foods they can be found in. And now I want to go on a rampage. I want to throw out my puddings, fat free salad dressings, 40 calorie fudgesickles and potato chips and substitute them for healthier alternatives. We already eat about 80% organic/natural. We eat lots of fresh veggies. My husband and daughter eat lots of fruit. I like them, but for some reason, don't eat them. But I will start. The other 20% that we eat is either not organic or just unhealthy low calorie snacks that I eat to get through the day. I cook homemade A LOT. But now, I just want to make sure I do that more often. I can't bake yet because it's still Lent. But once Lent is over, I will have healthy homemade desserts.

From now on, we will try to only buy things when we can pronounce all of the ingredients on the label. If it has a long list of chemicals, we won't buy it. My husband and I saw Supersize Me about 7 or 8 months ago and we haven't eaten any fast food since. (thank you Jesus) We already buy healthy alternatives to ice cream. We buy organic frozen yogurt. Today I found healthy alternative to potato chips. We have found healthy alternatives to dip. We not eat hummus by the bucket-load. So we don't eat terribly but nevertheless, I still feel we can do so much better. And I am VERY inspired to do so. The closer it is to the way God made it, the better it is for you.

Thankfully, my husband really doesn't mind what we buy or what we eat. He makes life easy. But I don't think he is going to want me to throw out the case of puddings we bought from costco...

Betrayal

Well, I haven't blogged in a while. But much has happened. Some good, some bad.

God has spoken to me about scripture. He has reminded me to meditate on and study His Word. Sometimes things get so overwhelming, that we forget the basics and need a reminder every now and then. And so I began to meditate on Romans 12:2. "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect."

I have been repeating this verse to myself over and over and really meditating on it. It has been quite helpful in getting me through the bad that has happened. It has reminded me that I need to keep my thoughts under control and renew my mind.

Someone very close to me accused me of the most hurtful things ever imaginable.... things that I could've never imagined nor would ever want to imagine. I will call her X. X said that I did these things 15 years ago as a teenager. Now first of all, I know I wasn't the best teenager in the world. In fact, I was actually quite self destructive as a teenager... but NEVER would I have ever done what I was accused of. It saddened me. It hurt me for someone who is supposed to know me so well to believe those things about me. It hurts to think that she has been holding a grudge for that long. I always knew she had a wrong opinion of me, but I never thought it was THIS extreme.

Another thing that boggles my mind is why would she bring it up now? It literally came out of nowhere. I received some news that could turn out to be good (financially) and she found out about it before I did. So she called me to inform me of it. Then out of nowhere, she says that she wants to talk about things that have been on her mind lately. She said I did some terrible things to her and she has never confronted me about them... til now. And she proceeds to tell me what she thinks I did. I'm still in shock. So again, I question... Why bring it up now? After all these years? Was X upset or jealous that something good was happening to me? I just don't understand.

I had my husband in the room listening to my responses. I do this when I think these are going to turn ugly with X. This isn't the first time we've bumped heads, but it's never been this bad. I always have my husband in the room. He is my accountability partner. I always want him to be aware of all I do, good or bad. He corrects me when I need correcting, supports me when I need support and helps me to see where I went wrong and how I can do better next time. I love him for that. So I had him in the room and he heard my side of the conversation and later on I told him what she had said. And I asked him, "Was I wrong? Did I start something?" And he said no.

I need him to keep me from straying in one direction or the other. No one but God and my husband really know how hard I am on myself. No one knows how I strive to find where I went wrong and how I always dissect every situation just so I know how to handle future situations. Now, I'm not saying I always handle them correctly but I am saying that I do not like to be ignorant of my sinfulness.

My husband is an amazing man. He does what God asks of him and it is never for a reward or to score brownie points. He does it just because it's the right thing to do. He is a just and fair man. So when he says that I didn't do anything wrong, I believe him. When I'm wrong, he's the first one to call me out on it.

So now I'm left with having been accused and feeling angry, hurt and betrayed and knowing I did nothing wrong. (there is a first for everything because usually, I have a lot to do with what went wrong) So now I'm struggling with these negative feelings and thoughts. I woke up the next day with angry thoughts and I battled them through the Divine Mercy Chaplet for X. It was all I could do. Then I went to confession and confessed how I was angry and couldn't forgive... how I had been thinking angry thoughts and how I felt resentful. Not only that, but I confessed things I have said to others that might have left them feeling as I feel. It was a situation that... I can't believe I'm saying this... but I'm glad it happened. Now I know where I stand with X. I confessed speaking harshly and hurting people. I asked forgiveness from the person I hurt through my words. And I pray this serves me as a reminder of how to treat people.

This morning, I was reading "the little black book." It's a book thats put out for Lent and Advent and there is a meditation everyday leading up to the feast days you're preparing for. Todays meditation was about Jesus and Judas. It explained how when Judas betrayed Jesus, it hurt Jesus badly because this was someone He loved... someone He was close to... one of the TWELVE. It spoke about how this betrayal cut Jesus to the heart and it ended with the best two sentences I could've heard today.

"In one way or another we have all felt something like this because of broken relationships, divorce, being done in or betrayed by someone we trusted. Jesus is no stranger to how we feel."

What more can I say but thank you Jesus for reminding me that I am not alone and that you help me to carry every cross.

Man made lights

So we are on our way home from my in-laws house and my daughter was looking up at the stars. And she starts to tell me how she loves looking at the stars and how we see so few in comparison to how many there really are. Then she says its because we live in the city and there are so many lights and those lights don't let us see the stars. So I thought, wow! She's right.

The man-made lights block out the light of Gods creation.

That was something to meditate on.